The Dirty Truth About Raising Boys

When I was pregnant I had grand dreams of white fluffy coats, pink headbands and bows, adorable little leggings and a room full of baby dolls. I was actually so intensely sure that I was going to have a girl that when the Ultrasound Tech shared the news that it was a boy, I broke down and cried. How could my very first motherly instinct be wrong? What kind of trajectory was my life on now? I mean, if I was wrong about this, who was I to even take home a baby from the hospital in a measly twenty weeks?

When you’re pregnant, everything is a really big deal. And expectant mothers are super dramatic. Hormones suck. I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with us emotional basket cases.  

Being a so-called girly-girl, I had no idea what to do with a boy. He would probably want to play sports and get dirty. Sigh. And what about buying clothes? Boy clothes are so… boring and not-pink. The store literally dedicates like one-tenth of their children’s inventory to little boys. And who were all these superhero characters I kept seeing everywhere? I felt overwhelmed. There was so much to learn, in so little time.


Fast forward nearly six years later and I am a walking Avengers dictionary. You want to talk comics? I know all about Deadpool and Silver Surfer. Go ahead, ask me anything. Want to talk dinosaurs? How about sharks and orcas (yea, that’s you Free Willy). You want to talk football and blitzes and safeties? Every time I see a fellow mommy with little boy in tow I think, I can take her.

I have learned to embrace raising a little boy, dirt and all. Mommies of picture-perfect little girls, here’s a glimpse into what you’re missing out on. And expectant mommies-to-be, here are the joys you have to look forward to:

 

Holey Knees - Not to be confused with holy knees. Not only are boy’s pants not blessed, but they are cursed with fabric that is far too thin to withstand the constant assault of hot wheels playtime on the sidewalk. I’m talking holes within hours. The nicer the pants, the bigger and faster the holes appear. Thus, if you find a pair you like, buy two. Heck, buy three. 

Spelling Dilemmas - P-o-o-p. He can’t remember how to spell anything other than his own name, but this hilarious word is sooo not forgettable. He will likely feel inclined to spell it often, while sounding it out, and will teach it to his friends (and maybe even his teachers, if you’re lucky).

The ‘F’ Word – Nope, not that one. The other four-letter f word. Fart. No one in the whole world thinks farts are more funny than little boys. Get a group of them together and there’s no stopping the ‘f’ word from flying everywhere.

Killer Artwork – Forget puppies, hearts, and stick friends holding hands. Little boys like to draw sharks eating creatures and dinosaurs attacking villages. Mom do you see that red stuff? That’s blood. Great honey. But on the flip side... Dad's are usually super proud.

Handsy – If you're hoping little man will sit nicely and want to read books in the evening, you'd better think again. How about rounds of wrestling, ninja power moves, and boxing matches? Anything that takes a large amount of energy and involves kicking, punching, or rolling around on the floor is sure to be a hit. My saving grace:I bought my son a four-foot-tall punching bag for Christmas. Best. Idea. Ever.

Sporty – How savvy are you about the sporting world? Oh don’t worry, you’ll learn. Best part, most young kid’s sports require some level of parental participation. You get to play too! I had the joy of letting my son run full speed at me trying to tackle and strip the football from my hands. Yep… fun.

Messy Bathrooms – Little boys must learn from their dads because their aim in the bathroom is just as poor as their older counterparts. I am always baffled at the places I find pee stains… like, did you see a fly and try to shoot him down, or what? Suffice it to say, mommies of boys are excellent wall scrubbers. 

Southern Obsessions –I don’t understand the obsession (and never will), but at any given time I can catch my little man looking like a small Al Bundy; one hand on the TV remote and one hand in his pants, while watching Paw Patrol and other Saturday morning cartoons. Mommies, break this habit early on or be stuck with it forever.

Snubbed Kisses – While a little girl might want to sit on your lap and give you kisses well into her early years, boys are quick to grow out of this. Mooooom, not in front of my friends. I hate how quickly it goes from, I’m going to marry my mommy someday…to… mom’s are so embarrassing. Snuggle those baby boys every single chance you get.

Freedom Seekers – “As soon as I learn how to tie my shoes and open fruit snacks, what will I need you for?” Little boys inherently assume the role of man-of-the-house early on and are excited to become independent little freedom seekers. Boys are much more eager than girls to forge their own trail and outgrow their toy trains and teddy bears (or maybe it's just my little boy). Needless to say, I am in no hurry to teach my son any cute rhymes dealing with bunny ears and shoelaces.  I plan on being needed for a while longer. 


Dirty faces, farts, and urine stained base boards aside, I cannot fathom the world without wonderful, handsome little boys. There is literally nothing better in the world than collapsing into bed after a long day and rolling over to see my son leaning in to give me a kiss and telling me he just "wants to check on me.” Having a son allows you to peek inside of an entirely different world that you otherwise would never know anything about. And soon enough, you’ll find yourself cheering excitedly on the sidelines as they score their first touchdown or sitting in a dirt pile playing monster trucks with them.

All the things you swore you would never do… little boys make it all worth it.