From great pain comes great art. I wish it worked differently, but the idea of a tortured writer, singer, artist, etc. discovering their greatest gifts during periods of pain, seems to hold true for, well, even me. The words flow more freely and more honestly in periods of emotional pain than they do when everything is at peace; Taylor Swift knows exactly what I’m talking about. And while I would never choose to live in this type of head space consistently, I find it oddly refreshing from time to time.
So let’s cut to the chase since beating around the bush has never really been my style. Is the Sometimes Single Mom, a single mom again? Yes. What happened? Lots of little (personal) things. How am I feeling about it? A little anxious, but ironically, more than anything, I feel ALIVE. When I go through periods of emotionless living, it makes me feel dead inside. There are no high or low points to my day… it just exists in one long stretch of monotony. To be angry and to scream, or to be emotionally drained and to sob until you can’t breathe, to be blissfully happy or heartbreakingly sad, all of that emotion makes me feel alive. And I would always choose feeling something over feeling nothing.
I do wish, however, that feeling alive meant falling more in love with the person I had dedicated a huge portion of my life to—the father of my two beautiful little babes—but life obviously had different plans, and I can finally say that I am ok with that. Did we try hard enough? I suppose that’s up for debate, but in my eyes, absolutely. Insanity—doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result—that was us. That, we can agree on. Hey, this didn’t work the first 37 times we tried, let’s give it another shot. If at first you do not succeed, try, try again; that quote leaves out one important detail. You need to make some tweaks here and there or you’ll literally run in circles. Try, fail, REVISE, try, fail, REVISE, try, fail, REVISE… Success. We failed miserably at this.
While I’m not really one for change, I do find it to be a necessary evil to deal with in life. Many of us seem to get stuck in these daily routines that turn us into robots, so much so that we go through the motions of living every single day, without ever really living at all. That’s precisely what I mean when I say I felt dead inside. When was the last time you truly looked forward to your day? Not happy with your job? Change it. Not sure about your relationship? Jump in the water or get off the dock. Afraid to take the leap you’ve been wanting to for years? Just f*cking do it already.
Somebody recently shared a quote on Instagram that has played over and over in my head, which means it must resonate with some part of my being: “You don’t have a right to the cards you think you should have been dealt, but you have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you are holding.” This… YES! There are no true victims in life unless you are allowing yourself to be one. Why not play this next hand like it’s the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life? F all the rules about how life is supposed to go, and at what age you are supposed to get married, have kids, buy a house, have a fully functioning 401K, blah blah blah. You can't win if you never play the game. If life isn’t dealing you the hand you want, change it or deal with it… just don’t cry about it. Don’t get caught living a life that you hate. You may not love every second, but at least live so that you feel alive every single day.
To bring this back full circle; the world I was living in this past year was not one that was unhappy by any means. I was neither happy nor unhappy. I was very indifferent. People change over time. Change is inevitable. And relationships change over time too. You can grow together, or you can grow apart, it’s that simple. It takes a lot of work to continually grow together, and a lot less work to grow apart and walk away. That isn’t to say I feel I took the easy way out, but rather, I saw something in my life that so desperately needed a change. And rather than live another day in black and white, I decided to open a new door to discover a world full of color. I know it isn’t going to be easy. I know I’ll be a broken, sobbing mess some days, and other days I’ll be on top of the world. But I also know that with all that emotion comes feeling alive again. And oh how I’ve missed that.
This story is obviously far from over. And my thoughts will hopefully become more cohesive and make more sense as I sort them out. So until then...
If you want to come along for the ride, let's do it.